Laughing is my coping mechanism…

I will always recall when one of my therapists called me out on me laughing over everything. I never had someone tell me the truth in my face. Needless to say I ended that relationship. I quit therapy I felt so “offended”. What do they know about me? Who did they think they were anyway? 

After I quit therapy I could constantly hear their voice in the back of my head. “Now, if that’s not funny why are you laughing”? I have coped like that most of my life. If I was offended laugh as if it’s nothing, if I feel like crap say your fine, smile and move along. Why did I continue doing this to myself? I did use laughter to protect myself because I didn’t want to get into all the issues in my life. 


I would rather be happy or pretend to be happy because it was easier. I’m not saying that I always fake my happiness, I love to laugh, be social, live my life and have fun. I like to surround myself with people because yes, I hate being alone. When I’m alone my anxiety kicks in and the negative little voices begin bringing  me down.

Smiling through bad things makes me feel like I have control over my emotions, but the truth is I just don’t want to deal with them. It’s easier to stuff my problems behind a door and slamming it shut. I’ll come back to deal with all those emotions when I’m ready. WRONG!

Life doesn’t work that way.

I don’t like feeling emotional pain, I’d rather be physically hurt in all honesty. Physical pain goes away but not emotional, it’s always still there. I don’t like to hurt people so I know that if they see me smile they don’t have to worry. I guess I have learned this means to be “strong”. I now also know that is very unhealthy and can actually even cause you physical pain! 

I have to learn how to cope with my problems; talking, music,writing and having a personal relationship with god really help me. I have to learn it’s ok to not be “ok”. People actually respect that, they won’t get offended if you just explain you are not in the mood for talking or just have a lot going on. 


Try not isolate yourself I tend to do that as well. Talking and letting out your feelings really does help. You may even need medication because you are depressed, there is no shame to that. Only you know what you’re going through and you’re the one who has to deal with it. You deserve to live the happiest life you can achieve. Try to find a healthy way to express yourself through something you love. Try new things til you find your thing it WILL be worth it. Try to feel your feelings if you have to cry, then cry, if you want scream, then scream. It is better to let your emotions out, but don’t use that as an excuse to hurt those around you. The best advice I could give you is talk to someone. Even if you don’t think it helps it really does! Find someone you trust or if it’s easier a stranger, just letting out what you have inside will help I promise. 

I’m still laughing most things away, but I’m learning it’s ok to express my emotions and dealing with them. You can’t hide them in forever. So go take that first step and fight for your happiness.

 

P.s – Hope that picture above made you smile!

-Katye

When it rains it pours..


Hey guys, it’s July! Wow, time flies. If you follow me on social media (which you totally should) you may have known my sister was hospitalized again on Sunday night.

We found out she had another episode of CAPS (catastrophic antiphospholipid syndrome). She was extremely close to a stroke, and they added heart failure to the list. She also had another blood clot this time on the right side of her heart and multiple clots in her lungs. It was scary, she felt and looked so sick.


She got multiple days of Plasmapheresis , IVIG and high doses of steroids. She should be out soon. Yay!

 In case you didn’t know we as a family are extremely close. My sister and I, even closer. So when one of us is missing at home, it feels like a big chunk of us is gone.

 Kim wasn’t feeling good and I kept (annoyingly) calling my mom. I could NOT sleep thinking about her and wanting to know what was wrong. They then told us they have to transfer her to another hospital which is a bit of a drive away. I was starting to not feel good, We were scheduled for our IVIG treatment that week which we get monthly and was long over due. All I wanted to do was cancel life and go with my sister.

That  is usually what we do, drop everything and focus on who ever is sick. This time we couldn’t, I berely had any oxygen tanks and without my treatment I could NOT expose myself. My parents kept switching turns in the hospital, plus we would FaceTime like crazy. 

The weather wasn’t on our side either it kept raining- well POURING! My sister would have anxiety attacks when we weren’t around and having to comfort her through a screen when all you want to do is hug her, was hard. 


I had scheduled my oxygen delivery and we missed it TWICE! My luck! We had some problems with the plumbing as well when my dad was with my sister so we had a hard evening! It just felt like the universe hated us! 

Let’s not begin to talk about traffic at the hospital and people not being patient when you are trying to transfer from the car to a wheelchair! That was the cherry on top of it all. 

I’m pretty sure my face had the expression of I HATE EVERYONE DONT TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW. Ha, ha gotta love it.

 I know it’s hard to see the good in the bad but I tried. I still had a lot to be thankful for, Most importantly I had my parents, my sister, and amazing friends and family reaching out to us. Always asking if we needed anything, and sending prayers and positivity our way.

We also had a way of getting to and from the hospital, a home to go to, money in case we needed to stop to buy food on the way and most importantly they were treating my sister and helping her get better.   

 I’m thankful for what we have but I Want this to be over, I don’t want to be sick nor do I want my sister to be sick either ( I don’t want anyone to be sick!).I hate having to read other sick people losing the battle to chronic illnesses.

 I hope one day all of us with a chronic illness get our miracle so we don’t have to live such complicated lives.

 Until then my sister and I will just try to live our goofy lives trying to look at the bright side of things! You should too!
-Katye 

Letter to myself before getting sick…

Breathe, Just take a deep breath.


Life is about to change real quick for you, things are going to be completely out of your control but you will have your family and amazing medical staff/doctors with you every step of the way. 

You will understand so many things after you’re diagnosed with this illness, Why your legs would fall asleep so much, why it seemed like you had a stroke in middle school yet they said it was “Anxiety”. Why you couldn’t breathe, or why you had those huge bruises on your legs.

You will learn to live a TOTALLY different, scary life. You will get the hang of it, I’m not saying it will be easy. You are going to ask yourself and God why you! You will be frustrated, depressed, you will get to lows you never knew you could get to. 

It’s going to be you fighting to live- TO LIVE. You won’t be afraid of death anymore, but you will be afraid of leaving the ones you love behind. Your family will be told in a few occasions that you have a few hours to live because girl you get too close to death way too many times. It’s a very scary thought, but don’t worry you won’t die. 

You have to be strong for what is coming. This will actually make you a better person, selfless, humble, caring. You will see things from a different perspective and try to help more when you can. You will appreciate freedom, food, water, family, friends, your life in general.

Keep the people that are always there for you close and tell them how much you care for them everyday! Soon you will learn life can be taken away from you in seconds.

You can totally forget about the plans you had for your future life. They are COMPLETELY different now. They change pretty drastically, but you slowly start finding other things you are good at and try to find your new path. 


I know this will break your heart, but your sister is sick also. You knew this, yet you didn’t want to seem paranoid so you let the doctors confirm what you said. You get a lot of things right, you have a pretty good sixth sense girl! Trust it, believe it, Trust me.

Not a lot of people will understand what you are going through, other people only freak out if they hear the word cancer (which is terrible) but being chronically ill means living a difficult life. Pills keep you alive, you will even have chemo. Yes, it DOES feel crappy. Yes, you do lose hair and many other things you will find out.

People will think you are fine because they see you smiling or laughing, wearing makeup. I mean you do have good days, but until they live with you, or spend a day with you, on a bad day, they don’t know what it’s really like. So try to not pay attention to ignorant people who only speak because they can. 

The amount of new people who will be blessings in your life is HUGE. You will meet So many wonderful people, they will become like family and many of them will stick around. 

You will have friends in different states even countries! And you should probably start looking up The Spoon Theory and the term Spoonie. 

Your parents will be tired, hurt, but they will never give up. They will be frustrated, they will be scared and traumatized. You guys will learn to hate the hospital but also accept it as a second home. You will ride a helicopter, but you won’t remember anything. Actually there will be Many things you don’t remember (it’s the drugs) lol. 

Oh and remember how you were such a cry baby about pills? Honey you will have pills for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Some days maybe more, but it’s ok you are a pro now. 

I think the hardest thing to live with is no one can cure what you and your sister have, For now. You will fight though and YOU HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING! It’s hard having to fight with your own body, with your health! Sometimes….yes, you just want to give up because the pain is too much not just physically but emotionally. I promise you, you will get through it. You have amazing support from so many people. And you know what, you don’t lose your smile. I hope we never do. Stay strong you will get through this!

-Katye