Laughing is my coping mechanism…

I will always recall when one of my therapists called me out on me laughing over everything. I never had someone tell me the truth in my face. Needless to say I ended that relationship. I quit therapy I felt so “offended”. What do they know about me? Who did they think they were anyway? 

After I quit therapy I could constantly hear their voice in the back of my head. “Now, if that’s not funny why are you laughing”? I have coped like that most of my life. If I was offended laugh as if it’s nothing, if I feel like crap say your fine, smile and move along. Why did I continue doing this to myself? I did use laughter to protect myself because I didn’t want to get into all the issues in my life. 

I would rather be happy or pretend to be happy because it was easier. I’m not saying that I always fake my happiness, I love to laugh, be social, live my life and have fun. I like to surround myself with people because yes, I hate being alone. When I’m alone my anxiety kicks in and the negative little voices begin bringing  me down.

Smiling through bad things makes me feel like I have control over my emotions, but the truth is I just don’t want to deal with them. It’s easier to stuff my problems behind a door and slamming it shut. I’ll come back to deal with all those emotions when I’m ready. WRONG!

Life doesn’t work that way.

I don’t like feeling emotional pain, I’d rather be physically hurt in all honesty. Physical pain goes away but not emotional, it’s always still there. I don’t like to hurt people so I know that if they see me smile they don’t have to worry. I guess I have learned this means to be “strong”. I now also know that is very unhealthy and can actually even cause you physical pain! 

I have to learn how to cope with my problems; talking, music,writing and having a personal relationship with god really help me. I have to learn it’s ok to not be “ok”. People actually respect that, they won’t get offended if you just explain you are not in the mood for talking or just have a lot going on. 

Try not isolate yourself I tend to do that as well. Talking and letting out your feelings really does help. You may even need medication because you are depressed, there is no shame to that. Only you know what you’re going through and you’re the one who has to deal with it. You deserve to live the happiest life you can achieve. Try to find a healthy way to express yourself through something you love. Try new things til you find your thing it WILL be worth it. Try to feel your feelings if you have to cry, then cry, if you want scream, then scream. It is better to let your emotions out, but don’t use that as an excuse to hurt those around you. The best advice I could give you is talk to someone. Even if you don’t think it helps it really does! Find someone you trust or if it’s easier a stranger, just letting out what you have inside will help I promise. 

I’m still laughing most things away, but I’m learning it’s ok to express my emotions and dealing with them. You can’t hide them in forever. So go take that first step and fight for your happiness.


P.s – Hope that picture above made you smile!


When it rains it pours..

Hey guys, it’s July! Wow, time flies. If you follow me on social media (which you totally should) you may have known my sister was hospitalized again on Sunday night.

We found out she had another episode of CAPS (catastrophic antiphospholipid syndrome). She was extremely close to a stroke, and they added heart failure to the list. She also had another blood clot this time on the right side of her heart and multiple clots in her lungs. It was scary, she felt and looked so sick.

She got multiple days of Plasmapheresis , IVIG and high doses of steroids. She should be out soon. Yay!

 In case you didn’t know we as a family are extremely close. My sister and I, even closer. So when one of us is missing at home, it feels like a big chunk of us is gone.

 Kim wasn’t feeling good and I kept (annoyingly) calling my mom. I could NOT sleep thinking about her and wanting to know what was wrong. They then told us they have to transfer her to another hospital which is a bit of a drive away. I was starting to not feel good, We were scheduled for our IVIG treatment that week which we get monthly and was long over due. All I wanted to do was cancel life and go with my sister.

That  is usually what we do, drop everything and focus on who ever is sick. This time we couldn’t, I berely had any oxygen tanks and without my treatment I could NOT expose myself. My parents kept switching turns in the hospital, plus we would FaceTime like crazy. 

The weather wasn’t on our side either it kept raining- well POURING! My sister would have anxiety attacks when we weren’t around and having to comfort her through a screen when all you want to do is hug her, was hard. 

I had scheduled my oxygen delivery and we missed it TWICE! My luck! We had some problems with the plumbing as well when my dad was with my sister so we had a hard evening! It just felt like the universe hated us! 

Let’s not begin to talk about traffic at the hospital and people not being patient when you are trying to transfer from the car to a wheelchair! That was the cherry on top of it all. 

I’m pretty sure my face had the expression of I HATE EVERYONE DONT TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW. Ha, ha gotta love it.

 I know it’s hard to see the good in the bad but I tried. I still had a lot to be thankful for, Most importantly I had my parents, my sister, and amazing friends and family reaching out to us. Always asking if we needed anything, and sending prayers and positivity our way.

We also had a way of getting to and from the hospital, a home to go to, money in case we needed to stop to buy food on the way and most importantly they were treating my sister and helping her get better.   

 I’m thankful for what we have but I Want this to be over, I don’t want to be sick nor do I want my sister to be sick either ( I don’t want anyone to be sick!).I hate having to read other sick people losing the battle to chronic illnesses.

 I hope one day all of us with a chronic illness get our miracle so we don’t have to live such complicated lives.

 Until then my sister and I will just try to live our goofy lives trying to look at the bright side of things! You should too!