I will always recall when one of my therapists called me out on me laughing over everything. I never had someone tell me the truth in my face. Needless to say I ended that relationship. I quit therapy I felt so “offended”. What do they know about me? Who did they think they were anyway?
After I quit therapy I could constantly hear their voice in the back of my head. “Now, if that’s not funny why are you laughing”? I have coped like that most of my life. If I was offended laugh as if it’s nothing, if I feel like crap say your fine, smile and move along. Why did I continue doing this to myself? I did use laughter to protect myself because I didn’t want to get into all the issues in my life.
I would rather be happy or pretend to be happy because it was easier. I’m not saying that I always fake my happiness, I love to laugh, be social, live my life and have fun. I like to surround myself with people because yes, I hate being alone. When I’m alone my anxiety kicks in and the negative little voices begin bringing me down.
Smiling through bad things makes me feel like I have control over my emotions, but the truth is I just don’t want to deal with them. It’s easier to stuff my problems behind a door and slamming it shut. I’ll come back to deal with all those emotions when I’m ready. WRONG!
Life doesn’t work that way.
I don’t like feeling emotional pain, I’d rather be physically hurt in all honesty. Physical pain goes away but not emotional, it’s always still there. I don’t like to hurt people so I know that if they see me smile they don’t have to worry. I guess I have learned this means to be “strong”. I now also know that is very unhealthy and can actually even cause you physical pain!
I have to learn how to cope with my problems; talking, music,writing and having a personal relationship with god really help me. I have to learn it’s ok to not be “ok”. People actually respect that, they won’t get offended if you just explain you are not in the mood for talking or just have a lot going on.
Try not isolate yourself I tend to do that as well. Talking and letting out your feelings really does help. You may even need medication because you are depressed, there is no shame to that. Only you know what you’re going through and you’re the one who has to deal with it. You deserve to live the happiest life you can achieve. Try to find a healthy way to express yourself through something you love. Try new things til you find your thing it WILL be worth it. Try to feel your feelings if you have to cry, then cry, if you want scream, then scream. It is better to let your emotions out, but don’t use that as an excuse to hurt those around you. The best advice I could give you is talk to someone. Even if you don’t think it helps it really does! Find someone you trust or if it’s easier a stranger, just letting out what you have inside will help I promise.
I’m still laughing most things away, but I’m learning it’s ok to express my emotions and dealing with them. You can’t hide them in forever. So go take that first step and fight for your happiness.
P.s – Hope that picture above made you smile!