Laughing is my coping mechanism…

I will always recall when one of my therapists called me out on me laughing over everything. I never had someone tell me the truth in my face. Needless to say I ended that relationship. I quit therapy I felt so “offended”. What do they know about me? Who did they think they were anyway? 

After I quit therapy I could constantly hear their voice in the back of my head. “Now, if that’s not funny why are you laughing”? I have coped like that most of my life. If I was offended laugh as if it’s nothing, if I feel like crap say your fine, smile and move along. Why did I continue doing this to myself? I did use laughter to protect myself because I didn’t want to get into all the issues in my life. 

I would rather be happy or pretend to be happy because it was easier. I’m not saying that I always fake my happiness, I love to laugh, be social, live my life and have fun. I like to surround myself with people because yes, I hate being alone. When I’m alone my anxiety kicks in and the negative little voices begin bringing  me down.

Smiling through bad things makes me feel like I have control over my emotions, but the truth is I just don’t want to deal with them. It’s easier to stuff my problems behind a door and slamming it shut. I’ll come back to deal with all those emotions when I’m ready. WRONG!

Life doesn’t work that way.

I don’t like feeling emotional pain, I’d rather be physically hurt in all honesty. Physical pain goes away but not emotional, it’s always still there. I don’t like to hurt people so I know that if they see me smile they don’t have to worry. I guess I have learned this means to be “strong”. I now also know that is very unhealthy and can actually even cause you physical pain! 

I have to learn how to cope with my problems; talking, music,writing and having a personal relationship with god really help me. I have to learn it’s ok to not be “ok”. People actually respect that, they won’t get offended if you just explain you are not in the mood for talking or just have a lot going on. 

Try not isolate yourself I tend to do that as well. Talking and letting out your feelings really does help. You may even need medication because you are depressed, there is no shame to that. Only you know what you’re going through and you’re the one who has to deal with it. You deserve to live the happiest life you can achieve. Try to find a healthy way to express yourself through something you love. Try new things til you find your thing it WILL be worth it. Try to feel your feelings if you have to cry, then cry, if you want scream, then scream. It is better to let your emotions out, but don’t use that as an excuse to hurt those around you. The best advice I could give you is talk to someone. Even if you don’t think it helps it really does! Find someone you trust or if it’s easier a stranger, just letting out what you have inside will help I promise. 

I’m still laughing most things away, but I’m learning it’s ok to express my emotions and dealing with them. You can’t hide them in forever. So go take that first step and fight for your happiness.


P.s – Hope that picture above made you smile!


Turning 25….

So I turned 25 on May 22, 2017. This to me is crazy I honestly don’t even feel 25, But I’m greatful to have lived this long and hope that I have many years still ahead. I wanted to share with you what  I did on my actual birthday. 

First off I was scared and got sung happy birthday from my little sister at midnight!

I was then given a good morning with this baby!

I was then forced out of my room where I was surprised by one of my best friends! 

She got me the cutest card! A Starbucks gift card, that cute balloon and cheesecake! She knows the way to my heart, coffee and cheesecake!

Isn’t it so pretty!

I later got this beautiful cupcake cake. 

( BTW aren’t those candles so cute? I bought them myself from this store I found on Instagram I will link it right below.)  Jamboree 

As I was joking around about biting into my cake my sister did this to me…

Yup, she pushed my head into the beautiful cupcake. 

I got these delicious smelling essential oils! They are actually life changing. I love citrus btw so they make me happy! 

I also got this beautiful bracelet and my sister got a matching one! They were made one of a kind for us!

 I loved everything! Just the fact that I was surrounded by the ppl I love and care for was such a gift! 

Thank you for reading to the end!


Pressure to succeed 

Do you live each day with the pressure of being better? The pressure of having to be strong no matter what? I mean us spoonies have gone through a lot and we manage to stay strong. Well… Or at least pretend.

I constantly feel as if I have to prove myself to the world. As if I break down I will be judged for not being strong enough. Its pretty ridiculous but true, it takes so much out us to just try to be normal or accepted. I have my ups and downs, just because most of the time i’m smiling doesn’t mean I don’t need a good cry.

No matter how strong you are once in a while  you’ll get that smack in the face like “WOAH!” Has all this really happened! There is so much revolving around us, and our illness. You need to just breath because while it may seem like it should be easy, adapting to this new life probably will never be easy,  Just try your best. 

I try to celebrate each day, and welcome it with a smile because no matter what, you never know when your last day will be. I have been so close to it being my last day, but i have fought and thank god i’m still here. We all have our ups and downs it is VERY understandable we are not suppose to be perfect. So let your feelings just be and LIVE! 


Adulthood?My future? What’s happening?

Hey guys, I know I have not written anything for a while. As a spoonie (chronically Ill person) I have a lot of ups and downs. I didn’t even go to my treatment this week, which is a big deal-in my life. Lately I have been overly anxious about everything. I focus way to much on the things I can’t do, and the things I want to do. 

I then do the biggest mistake of all COMPARE myself to others! I know I shouldn’t but I do, then all of these things create a domino effect and just triggers my anxiety Really bad. I hate feeling like my hands are tied and I know I need help but it’s hard. Everyday is a guessing game, will I feel up to it? Is too cold to go out? Am I hurting somewhere?  Do I even wanna get dressed? Do I really wanna go out into the world and face the people I haven’t seen in a while ( and most of the time I mean years)? 

I have always been the type of person that just wants to be accepted and liked by others. I have really struggled ever since I was a kid. Most of the time I’d get picked at because of my weight. Which has made me extremely, EXTREMELY sensitive. I can’t even stand it when my mom calls me “gorda” as Spanish nickname which is saying like fat girl but in a nice way you know? Hope you’re still with me here.

My weigh has obviously been on my mind a lot and my future. Do I even have one? I’m 24 and feel as I’m a teenager still! Right after turning 19-22 i was constantly in the hospital I even had birthdays in there.I felt as if a huge chunk of my “fun” years were taken away, I feel pressured to be an adult and not even by my family just from myself and because I see everyone achieving things and “adulting”. My life completely changed after getting sick, I try to just smile through most things but it gets to you after a while. You wish you were right there with your friends achieving things. I’m over here fighting to stay alive, it sucks.

The news doesn’t help, I really understand why so many just stay away or completely block out current news from their life. It is depressing, sad and I try to stay out of it. Everyone is bombarded with so many things everyday. It is so stressful!  I really like to be creative so I do a couple things here and there which help me express myself. Do you guys have any advice for stress? What helps you calm down? Thank you for stayin with me til the end!❤